Michael Jackson Alive and Well, Living With Emmanuel Lewis and Bubbles the Monkey

"He's alive and well, playing with his monkeys, and having an occasional beer with Webster," states an unnamed source close to the family. "We support him 110% in his quest to live a normal life outside the spotlight, and that is all I am going to say at this time." People have long speculated Jackson's well publicized death was a rouse.

Details have been leaking since last month, when another source had this to say: "The only thing Michael was guilty of was being a freakazoid, but he was tormented by his fame, and really only wanted to be a regular guy." Still, investigators have been following a steady stream of large cash deposits into an offshore bank account registered to a mysterious Jack Michaelson.

One of these gumshoes is famed "The Bermuda Triangle" author, Charles Berlitz, who wrote his first book on the subject in the 1970's. He is now writing a follow up titled, "The Thriller Wars," in which he claims that at least nine people, four of whom were recently investigating Jackson's death, have been shot out of the sky in the general area of The Bermuda Triangle by SAMs, or surface to air missiles. "This new book operates under the theory that the artist has his own private navy, uses The Bermuda Triangle as cover for disappearances, and has created his own empire by funding governments and financial institutions in the region." Berlitz almost titled his book, "The Day of the Jacko."